Spiritual Growth

The past two months have been jam-packed with spiritual experiences that have fostered growth both in the breadth of my faith and it’s depth.  Here are three of them.

Penance:

For Lent this year, I prayed the Litany of Humility 3 times a day and slept on the floor instead of in my bed.  The former focused my efforts to possess the quality of humility, and pushed me to see all challenges as gifts sent to help me in my journey.  The latter was my best Lenten sacrifice yet.  As I lay down at night, I actually thought about Christ on the cross.  I was reminded each night that my own slight discomforts in life are (obviously) nothing compared to his suffering, which he did for me, so I have no right to grumble, ever.  Then I read a prayer that put a lot into perspective: “Christ our Redeemer, let us share in your passion by works of penance; let us attain the glory of your resurrection.”  Ooooooh that’s why we do penance: to join Jesus in what he did for us and hopefully grow closer to Heaven through it.  *Mind blown*

There’s Something About Mary:

In March, I did Saint Louis de Montfort’s program of Total Consecration to Mary.  It is the most intense form of Marian devotion there is, and represents a complete dedication or commitment to the Mother of God.  Following de Montfort’s writings, I prayed special prayers for a period of 33 days, and at the end I offered myself to Mary.  The day that I made my consecration (promise) was the Feast of the Annunciation, the day when the Angel Gabriel told Mary she would bear the Son of God and she answered, “YES!”.  Starting with the day I accepted the invitation to come to South Sudan, this entire year has been a journey of my own Fiat (saying “yes” to the call of Christ).  From that time on, I have increasingly yearned to be more like Our Lady in every way.  Never in my life have I wanted anything so fully and so desperately.  This is not a desire that comes from me; it is too strong and too pure.  It must be God’s wish.  It is a serious struggle because of the vast chasm that exists between my own sinful nature and her perfection.   She is patient, I am not; she is simple, I am needlessly complex; she is pure, I am stained; she is humble, I am proud; she is noble, I am selfish; the list goes on ad infinitum.  I am unable to articulate the gravity of the effect that Consecration has had on me, but in short, I am Changed, and belong now to Mary.  Everything I do and am is through her.  Or at least, it’s supposed to be.  I fail a hundred times a day, a thousand even, to live up to my promise, but I am trying.  Through her immaculate graces, I hope to become closer to Jesus, the ultimate end.  At the end of de Montfort’s program, the consecrated person is supposed to attach a chain to his/her ankle to symbolize that he/she has become a willing slave of Mary.  But there are no chain anklets here in Maridi, so I made one out of blue and while paperclips.  I like it this way – it’s simple, just like her.  The best part about the paperclips?  The kids ask about it, and I get to try to draw them closer to our Mother too.

Taking It to the Next Level:

I found myself on a spiritual plateau for a few weeks, which was a deeply upsetting contrast to the steep upwards slope of my faith life since my first day in Africa.  Then a special night-prayer reinvigorated my life.  What I realized was this: I wasn’t being involved in my faith; I just wanted things.  They were good things I wanted, sure (for Christ to light up my heart, to become like Mary, to help the children foster a relationship with Jesus, humility, humility, humility), but still, I was just kind of sitting around expecting God to come along and hand me spiritual gems to add to my collection like He's been doing for the past seven months.  So now it seems I’ve stepped into the next phase, in which I actively engage Jesus and push for my growth.  I think it will be even more rewarding than before.  It’s like the difference between fishing and hunting.  I’ll get fed either way (and since I was starving for a long time, that’s a pretty good deal), but the meal will taste a lot better if I put some extra effort in (says the carnivore who hates seafood).