Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  That has been the theme of my life recently. 

I’ve made my share of mistakes this year, but last week was a doozy.  My old self (not exactly the holiest of persons) came out in a selfish, irresponsible act.  Then a week later, I did it again!  But this story isn’t about what I did.  It’s about what was done for me.

The first time it happened, I was expecting my relationships to suffer as a result of the trouble I’d caused, but instead I was treated gently.   I was forgiven, and all was forgotten because “everyone messes up.”  Finished.  The second time, I was deeply ashamed of myself.  I felt that my “sorry” would not be believable because actions speak louder than words.  I was sure that I’d done irreparable damage, and was convinced I would (should) be rejected for it.  Have you ever felt this way after doing something really bad?

In providential display of perfect timing, all three mass readings the next day focused on repentance.  In the first, God’s anger is justified, but He spares the people.  In the second, Timothy admits his sinful past and speaks of Christ’s “utmost patience”.  In the Gospel, the parable of the lost sheep speaks about Heaven’s rejoicing over any sinner who repents.  The message was clear:  Christ came to call sinners, not saints.  He came to purify, not to punish.  To teach, not to torment.  God spoke to my gloomy heart: “Your shame, that feeling of wanting to hide from Me, is the Devil tempting you to run from My Son’s merciful embrace.  Repent from deep within you, and you will be forgiven and loved. ”

That evening, we talked about what had happened.  I was very surprised by the tone of the conversation because again I received immediate forgiveness.  I received mercy and compassion.  Patience, tolerance, kindness, and acceptance.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.  Never before had I experienced that level and speed of forgiveness.  My feeble apology was accepted, no reparation requested.  Everyone just wanted things to go back to normal.  We decided to “start over” (what a magical phrase that is!).

 

When I looked into the eyes across from me, I saw holiness shining back.  I saw Christ, and felt the warmth of a mother’s pardoning embrace.  I certainly didn’t deserve this extreme act of love, but it was granted to me anyway.  Being absolved like that, it has the power to transform a life.  I am changed.  It has affected me in the depths of my soul, in the core of my heart.  Am I suddenly going to be perfect at forgiveness now?  Of course not.  But I have seen that it is possible for people to forgive like Jesus forgives, that perfectly.  I am profoundly aware of the grace I received and am deeply humbled by it.

THE LESSON:

The message that has penetrated my heart is one of action: “Go, Cait, and do this for someone else.  Be this for someone else.  Do not let it be in vain that I put this experience in your life.”  Thesaurus suggestions for the word redemption include improvement.  How true that is.  My job now is to move forward with a much better experiential understanding of Christ’s love and to imitate his compassion the way it has been shown to me this week.  C.S. Lewis put it beautifully when he wrote, “To be a Christian is to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven it in us.”   Jesus suffered torture and died to show his forgiveness to us.  We don’t have to go through nearly that much trouble.  We just have to act with love, even if (especially when) the other person doesn’t deserve it.

People have asked me why I became a missionary instead of volunteering with a secular organization.  Experiences like this is why.  Because others were so committed to Jesus, they had the strength, humility, and compassion to forgive me so quickly and fully.  Our role as Christians is to follow and imitate Christ.  That’s hard, but possible.  I became a missionary instead of a volunteer so that I could live with people who would teach me to love as Jesus loves.  Mission accomplished.